Monday, October 26, 2009
So the news isn't really out to everyone but not quite two weeks ago the guy I've been dating for 5 months broke up with me. I'd always heard stories and seen others go through it but the Lord has spared me that pain for almost 28 years. Until now that is...don't get me wrong the time I spent with this guy was a huge blessing. I saw the Lord use him, our relationship and everything in between to grow me in many areas of my life. It was actually quite beautiful to see and experience it all from the spiritual prospective. Not at all bad for a first relationship but the moment I currently find myself in isn't easy. The first few days I tried to pretend as if it were all a dream and that perhaps I'd wake up and all would be good again. I resorted back to my hard heart and mostly emotionless self from several years ago. But I am not that person anymore nor do I desire to be and then it happened I was quickly broken. I found myself understanding why it ended for the most part, thanking the Lord for how amazing it was and how much He had grown me through it but at the same time deeply hurting inside. I felt feelings and emotions I thought I was incapable of having. It hurt deep inside in a strange way and it wasn't all that pleasant. I wanted to yell at God and ask why he chose to teach me things in this way. I wanted to know how come he couldn't have done it in another way? Or why two people who get along so well, care about each other so much, seem darn good together and love spending time together can't actually fall in love. why? what's the point? In the end I still can't answer all those questions. But I do know that God works in mysterious ways and that sometimes there are just certain things we cannot learn or grow in without being put in very specific circumstances. The fact that I feel anything, am letting myself grieve a little and am actually writing this for all to read is a sign of major work done by the Lord. The last few days I've been pretty good. I laugh again, enjoy going out with friends,etc but it's an ever present battle against the lies of the enemy about my worth, my beauty, things said during our time together and believing the best about this guy. I have nothing to do but cling to the Lord and his promises through this. I've spent a lot of time in the Psalms basking in the raw and varying emotions of David and his conversations with the Lord. They have been a comfort and a beautiful reminder of the Lord's goodness and love for me. So I'm moving on but the tears still fall every now and then. I try to embrace the sick feelings that creep up in my heart every so often and seek the Lord's face through it all. May the Lord ultimately be glorified from this relationships and our individual lives.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
So it seems I'm sick yet again. I can't seem to figure it out but I'm assuming I have a very weak immune system. I can never get hte usual light cold, sore throat, etc like most people. Like always I tried to avoid the antibiotics nad let it heal on it's own a bit. Today I gave in and went to the doctor amid excruciating pain, tiredness, lack of breathing ability, and unable to eat or swallow. Sounds fun huh. It like the light occasional sore throat mutated overnight. The doctor gave me a nice scolding about waiting so long and that I should never do this again in the future because it's very dangerous for me. In the end I have a very bad case of strep throat and one tonsil has abscessed, hence the inability to breath. The tonsil is so swollen it touches the thing in the center of my mouth and that prevents air from entering half my windpipe and causes excruciating pain. The entire side of my neck, lymph nodes, and ear are all swollen. I'll save you the rest of the gory details about the inside of my mouth. But in the end I'm on powerful antibiotics for 12 days and forcing myself to at least drink a little milk or yougurt with the pills nothing more. Pray for quick and complete healing of my throat and tonsils. I don't think I've ever had throat pain this bad in all my life. It's also impairing my ability to talk with the swelling and pain. Our team will be starting planning meetings tomorrow meeting at 10a.m. Those will continue on and off for the next 10 days. I'd love to be up and at full strength for those. So pray for the antibiotics to work quickly and thoroghly. Pray for our team as we enter into this period of intense planning,etc for the upcoming year on campus.